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Author Topic: Out of touch with my love life  (Read 3440 times)
paloma
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« on: August 08, 2007, 02:32:51 PM »

Hi, I wanted to ask a question but I don't want my name, birth date or chart details printed on ASR because its so personal. I don't really know exactly the right question to ask because I don't know what answer I'm looking for, but if you can help at all that would be so great. I feel seriously, dangerously out of touch with my love life. I've got a great boyfriend but we've just got into the habit of not having sex, and when we do it usually hurts so I'm not really enjoying it, which is depressing. (I've been to the doctor, there's nothing wrong physically). And he picks up on this, and feels bad, but doesnt do or say anything to acknowledge it so it goes unspoken, and we make love less and less. I know youre thinking talk to him, but he's so sensitive and there are other things I'm trying to work on between us, - he's very sulky and incredibly sensitive. I know he sounds terrible in this email but trust me he's not. I used to really love my love life and felt in control - now I don't feel in control, don't feel proud or happy about myself, and feel powerless. And its driving a wedge between us - were both young, so how long can we go on like this - he can't be happy with it the way it is.

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I am available for in depth readings by mail and phone; or in person, if you are in Barcelona. I am fluent in french, spanish and english. Contact me at  paloma@planetwaves.net
paloma
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« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2007, 02:39:16 PM »

Hello Dear,

I want to start saying that it is brave of you to voice out your situation, and that by doing so you are claiming your power. By putting words to difficult to express feelings you are making the first step toward finding you way to solve whatever is causing you pain. Words are great tools to measure what is happening behind them, what is going on in our mind and our emotions; and to ask, what is the driving force behind the words we use? Words can betray issues that are not mentioned or described by them; words have energy, power, they can wound or heal. Silence too, for that matter.

So, yes you are right, what you are voicing out here as a problem, involves you and your partner; and yes, i believe you will, at some point, need to solve this by opening the communication channels with your him. You will need to be able to be open with him so you can express yourself with freedom, to be able to say what is in your mind, body and heart; as well as to listen to what he has to say about his feelings and thoughts.

I am going to ask you some questions; i hope these will allow you to investigate within yourself, and see if you can connect with the emotions underlying your words.

You say, 'i feel seriously, dangerously out of touch with my love life'; there is a lot of emotion within the word dangerously. Seriousness is one thing, and danger is another. I ask, what is the danger? Behind danger we might have attack, aggression, loss of something, and behind these, we have fear. I ask you what do you fear? What do you fear loosing? What do you feel might, or not, happen to you?

When you say, 'there are other things i am trying to work on between us', i ask, is there anyway that these other things might be connected with, one, the lack of sexual encounters and the lack of pleasure, and two, the lack of communication you have expressed? When there is too much 'lacks' we are in a difficult territory; we are talking about the absence of something vital for us, and usually the absence of what we need brings frustration, a very toxic energy, especially when it is floating behind silence, especially when frustration is shared in silence. Usually what appears to be an issue in a relationship, is really a symptom of something deeper, and, that deeper level might make visible the fact that things are more connected than they appear to be. And i add, sex is a deep - a core- issue. I ask you to interrogate yourself and see if you are making the right investment by postponing the discussion of one issue for another.

'I used to really love my love life and felt in control- now I don't feel in control, don't feel proud or happy about myself, and feel powerless.' Lack of control make us feel vulnerable and helpless. The need to control often comes as a protective reaction against change, evolution and transformation, in other words, growth. When we feel the lack of control, we feel that something overpower us, that something is stronger than us; when this happens we start to feel unsafe, being out of our rigid and established way of doing and living, the way we are used to. Control makes me think of something tight, rigid, organized, with rules, do's and don'ts. And when i think of these, i can't stop thinking about parental authority, controlling every inch of a childhood time and space, body and soul; and i ask, is there a possibility that you might come from a severe and/or repressed upbringing, one in which your needs were not taken into account, one in which your true nature was domesticated and controlled into tight models of behavior?

We don't need to portray our parents as being evil or negative; they might have done what it was right for us, with the best of intentions at heart, and with love; what i am saying is not contradictory with this.  But we do need to evaluate the level of repression our true nature has been exposed to, so we can have an idea at the level of control we are used to have, and that we keep needing to have, in order to feel safe. Saying this to you, a phrase popped up in my mind: 'the call of the wild' and this made me think of a book called 'Women who run with the wolves', you'll find it here:
http://www.amazon.com/Women-Wolves-Clarissa-Pinkola-Estes/dp/0345409876. A book every woman must, at some point of her lifetime, read.

And  with this we are getting at what i really want to get to, the core of your question: Your Woman.

First i want you to know that it is a common thing to stop having sex. You are not the first couple, nor the last one, going through this phase. This is important, because one characteristic of this subject is that it is tabu. You don't go around saying that you don't have sex with your partner, it's a silent topic, and that is why i first congratulated you, because you are taking a step out of the tabu zone into the open, and that is not only great for you, but for all of us.

Before looking at your chart, and because Venus is retrograding (a good time for this kind of questions), my take was this is a Venus story. A Venus story it is a story about the expression of our feminine nature; the expression of our needs, desires, and, our search for pleasure, and satisfaction. Venus is a Goddess of sex, not only love. And Venus is a channel for a collective energy that has been repressed and controlled, by being transformed into romance and courtly love, keeping it's more powerful, passionate and wildest nature hidden and inaccessible, if not tabu.  Usually when we stop having pleasure and fun during sexual exchanges, we are having 'the Venus energy' wanting to express itself, and at the same time, the repressed reaction to keep our deeper and wildest desires at bay. It's like a short circuit. When this happens fear is at play. We fear the wild unrecognized part of ourselves; we fear our desires; we fear 'the other' reaction to our desires; we fear 'the other' desires; we fear judgment; we judge.

When talking about relationships, the Moon will point out at our nurturing needs; that is, how were we nurtured as infants, who was the nurturing parent in our life, and how, as adults, we seek to return to that primal sensation. The Moon will say, 'i need you to express your love verbally to me', or 'i need you to touch me, often', or 'i need to have freedom and space'. The sign and the angles of our Moon will tell us this story , and of course, how it is played out in our relationships. This is a huge territory that involves need, lacks, frustration, satisfaction, or in-satisfaction, hunger. And, even if the Moon is not sexual by itself, it does play out strongly in our sexual life, as it rules our emotions, our bodies and our subconscious mind.

Pluto in relationships is the one that allow us to grow with the other; by growing i imply to be able to evolve, to move on, to change, with the other, in the company of the other. Pluto teaches us to surrender control, and the need to have a fixed established way of relating in which we need to feel safe; it teaches us to move into a more open and vast territory, the one that allows the relationship to be different, to be shifted, to be alive. This can feel quite unsettling, and even dangerous at some times. Pluto is strongly connected with Venus.  Both have something  to do with the passionate and powerful expression of our deeper sexual nature, our deepest desires. Pluto adds to the mix the feeling of death, of dying in order to grow; the need to let go of something in order to allow the new to come in.

I would like to be able to convey to you the idea that the 'problem' you are having with your love and sexual life, is not such; on the contrary, it can be quite positive. I want to propose to you the possibility of looking at your situation as an opportunity (lets call it a creative crisis) that can bring growth and transformation in your life, and that can open the door to a more fulfilling and deeper connection -sexual and emotional- with your partner. I propose to you to shift you attitude and views about how things should be, and accept the way things are, with openness, allowing them to lead you to a different scenario. All forms of crisis are opportunities to reach a deeper level of connection with our soul, our essence, our self. Do not force yourself to act as you used to. Use the pause to listen to yourself, to reach deeper inside you. Use the pause with the constructive awareness that your know some vital change is happening. Welcome it.

I strongly believe that you need to communicate with your partner to be able to meet and encounter each other. You need to be able to say, together, 'we are going through something, we are together in this, lets find our way out, together'. You need to be, both, living this on the same page; not each one in silence imagining and waiting without  knowing how the other is feeling or thinking. I strongly suggest these things as the way for you to grow together. If you do this, you'll both meet on 'the other side' of the process knowing more about each other, and this might give you a deeper level of connection and intimacy that will open new doors to your sexual life. If you seem to be unable to do this on your own, a strongly suggest to look for some professional help, so you can both express yourselves in a safe environment, and start this process.

I also think you might want to explore your parental models of nurturing and see how these are played out with your partner. You might want to get in touch with your emotional needs, that is, what nurtures you, in order to be able to reach to your sexual needs - what pleases you.  As i mentioned before, i think you need to empower your woman so you can expose freely your needs and desires in the relationship. For this you might want and need to get in touch with subconscious memories and patterns that govern your emotional life not allowing growth to happen.

By bringing this issue here in the open and asking for help, i can hear the voice of you woman and her need to be listened to and taken care of. Nobody can do this for you. This is a personal task. But, you can include others in the process, and believe me, it will make the journey much more satisfactory and productive.

I thank you for your questions. I believe they are quite relevant for all of us, and it has given me the opportunity to articulate important thoughts connected with Venus. This retrograde motion is asking for some deep reflections and attention on how we relate, not only to others, but, and, especially to ourselves. It invite us to look deep inside to find our passion and desire, and from there to share it.

Please, let us know your thoughts about this. I'd love to keep this discussion going, and if necessary move it into the astrological chart.

Sincerely,

Paloma
« Last Edit: August 08, 2007, 02:52:27 PM by paloma » Logged

I am available for in depth readings by mail and phone; or in person, if you are in Barcelona. I am fluent in french, spanish and english. Contact me at  paloma@planetwaves.net
paloma
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« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2007, 01:37:53 PM »

Here is the answer from M:

Hello, thanks so much for your reply and for the thought you'd given to what I wrote. This is probably always the case, but as soon as I'd written the email I felt something lift, so you're right even just voicing things makes them feel better. I've thought about the questions you asked, and tried to answer them so here goes...

When you were talking about fear, I feel like I'm carrying round some strange unidentifiable fear of something related to sex. Its very hard to put in words because its deeply buried, but has also always been with me. Its nothing to do with my lovely boyfriend, he's just the one its playing out with (ive felt this in all my relationships), and I think it's because I feel so secure with him that this is coming to light. I recently found out I was concieved during a time when my mother and father werent speaking, and there was a lot of anger and simmering feeling, for months before and after. Also growing up bodies, sex,and anything like that was embarrassing and 'not good', and looking at it now I guess I can see that I certainly wasn't encouraged to feel proud or even acknoweldge that side of me. I dont know if that would have anything to do with it - I'm a great believer in you make your own life so don't want to pin this on someone else. The best way to describe this fear is heavy and very sad. I try and live my life light and carefree because it feels good, and this isn't carefree and light. But like I said just writing to you shifted things and I've moved out of it alot. I really think you get more of what you focus on, so I just stopped feeling it and remembered other feelings I've had - light happy ones, and got in that space, and things feel much better now. I know that's not addressing this issue, but it puts me in a much more good-feeling place to sort it out.

The communication thing actually started to solve itself too, - and yes I can see that they are connected, and relfect eachother. Were able to talk more honesly without this toxic wall coming down. This made me feel much better again. It feels like the toxicness has evaporated. Its like cement which is poured over you and sets, now theres a way to dissolve it. For all this talk of lightness though I'm a water sign and I feel like 'm not giving the emotion side of me (which is huge) a proper airing or letting it see the light of day. My boyfriend and I don't really operate on the emotional level, although I know he cares about me and loves me alot, and vice versa. I know I've got to find a way to bring it out, and I will. Its all choices I've made, so I can make new ones.

The thing you said about Venus and courtly love really jumped out. I used to not like romance and think it was phoney, but my boyfriend has a touch of the libras so I became confined I guess by this notion of romantic femaless - self inflicted though because I know I try and morph into what I think is wanted. But recently I've been acknowledging the other side so to speak and it feels good, and has helped lighten things up again. I guess its about being true to yourself which I wasn't always.

When you talked about the moon and the body it immediately made me think of my own, and for some odd reason I thought "Well I feel wounded, obviously". In the past I've stayed with boyfriends when I wanted it to be over, and buried my feelings. I think this has got something to do with it, not sure what.

Finally pluto and keeping things growing and alive - well thats what I aspire to, but recently I've really been wondering how you reconcile freedom (which is great and keeps people alive) and relationships/marriage. I know Eric's take on open, honest relationships, but I can't see how that would actually work in real life, especially if you don't enter into it like that at the start. It seems to be marriage is often the beginning of the end, with the woman frustrated and sacrificing parts of herself. How can you follow the call of the wild when you are with one person? Someone you absolutely want to be with? Can you reconcile being true to yourself and being in a relationship? There must be a way! (I'm going to read that book you suggested on the train home).

I would love to know if there's anything in my chart that might be encouraging these ways of acting/thinking/feeling that feel ingrained, and know how to overcome them. I want to feel free and powerful and peaceful - in the nicest possible way! Thanks again for your really helpful reply, I really appreciate you thinking about this and sharing your ideas (and wisdom!) with me.

PS if you reply to this, would it be possible not to publish my chart even if you talk about what's in it? Sorry for the secretiveness. And sorry this email is so long and 'me me me'.

Have a lovely weekend x
« Last Edit: August 15, 2007, 01:55:15 PM by paloma » Logged

I am available for in depth readings by mail and phone; or in person, if you are in Barcelona. I am fluent in french, spanish and english. Contact me at  paloma@planetwaves.net
paloma
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« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2007, 01:39:18 PM »

Hello dear,

Thank you for this long and thoughtful reply. I will do my best to answer your question.

There are a couple of transits in your chart that might be moving all this energy you are expressing. Usually transits are great activation tools. These energy movers have a task: that is, to awaken us to deeper inner realities; to teach us the way to know ourselves better; to move the limitations that operate as obstacles to our evolution so we can have a more fulfilling life, a more creative and true-to-ourselves existence. Transits are not good nor bad. They are simply messengers and teachers. How ready and willing we are to listen to the message, to accept the lesson, will make the process either difficult, challenging, fun, and/or complicated. The more resistance we have to change and to self questioning the more 'painful' the transit might be. How do we make this process work for us? With awareness. By being conscious of our processes of change, and by accepting we do need to change, we open the door to something new. Often we are moved (or stuck) by the fear of the new; we would rather stay in the comfort zone of the known, instead of jumping out of repetition. The key to a fulfilling and creative life lies in the jump, in the ability to let go of something from the past, that hold us, preventing the experience of the new. The key here, is that the new is a part of us. Most of the time what we fear is the unknown in ourselves.

When i read your words in can feel the movement of the new coming from you. The awareness of your words, and your self questioning are, at this moment of your life, your tools and allies. If you listen long enough, you will find your ways.

When i first looked at your chart, the transit that first called my attention was Neptune sitting on your natal Moon. Today it is exact to the degree. This transit started in february 2007, and will continue to influence you until January 2008. As any transit involving outer planets, the experience feels big, transcendental, and overwhelming. The inner planet transits have an influence on our immediate and conscious reality, but with the outer planets we are in another realm, one that connects us with something larger than ourselves. Mysterious, overwhelming, fated, heavy, are some of the words that come to my mind.

With a Neptune transit we might add the word Confusing to the mix, yes, with capital letter, as we are talking about a transcendental confusion.

This transits points to a major change in your emotional and psychic l life. I think that through confusion and the blurring of your emotional self knowledge, Neptune is, in the long run, asking you to redefine and to become more aware of your emotional needs and emotional responses. It is through the absence of definition (a process that can feel quite chaotic and disturbing, as if the ground was lifted from under us) that we learn to redefine ourselves and our realities. To put it in another way, we might need chaos as a way of transforming the way we have ordered our world. We might need dissolution as a path to find new and more creative solutions. We might need to get lost without a clear vision or focus, to be able to recognize the possibility of new paths.

The Moon rules our subconscious mind, and with this transit, most of the confusion we experience comes from this hidden and mysterious part of our psyche. Neptune is far from the Sun, close to the edge of our galaxy. This work as a great metaphor; the Sun is our consciousness, and Neptune activates the Moon, the unconscious- the deep edge within ourselves. This is a process that cannot be reduced to rational considerations. Deep buried emotions come to the surface in a confused web of information that needs time and discernment to be digested. This information might be misinterpret and/or it might projected on the outside world.

All this is happening in the fifth house of your horoscope, adding context to this process.  From the fifth to the eighth we are in the relationship sector of the chart. A place where we step out of our self reflection to interact with 'the other'. The fifth house is the place where we first meet the other. It has a childlike quality that can be translated as wonder, playfulness, creativity, love and, yes, sex. It is the house of all that we enjoy doing, where we find pleasure, and by doing so, we find ourselves.

I feel this transit brings a deep need of merging, of swimming deeply in the vastness of love and pleasure, and i think that the only place this can be found is out of fantasy and idealization, and in the real. How do we get real? How do break the spells (misconceptions about ourselves, ambiguity about our desires, escapism, programmed ways of doing and feeling, resistances...etc.) that come from our subconscious mind; how do we open our eyes; how do get ride of our pink color glasses and instead of dreaming about our needs, we experience their fulfillment?

These are long life questions, but there is a way to make it happen, to make it work without getting lost in the foggy Neptune lesson. This is by feeling our body. The Moon rules the body. With such a strong fifth house my suggestion is art oriented. I think you have a great expressive outlet that would be an excellent tool for you. Art has the quality of bringing us into the here and now. Dancing, chanting, painting are excellent ways of channeling the Neptune creativity into a concrete experience, a body experience. Art makes the invisible, visible. If you work on your creativity, you will be using and getting in touch with deep creative energies that are strongly connected with your sexuality. You don't have to be an artist to do art, you don't have to be a dancer to move your body. I invite you to explore your body, to feel inside your body, and to listen to your  body.

Your natal Moon is in Aquarius, a clever, mental sign. This is a Moon that needs a lot of stimulus. It is very creative, original, inventive. It's a Moon that needs friendship, collaboration, groups, networks. All this is an excellent setting to develop an alternative creative activity; one that will nurture you. This will bring much satisfaction to your life, taking some stress off your relationship. 

Another important transit that might have been influencing this period of your life is Pluto squaring your Ascendant. This influence started at the end of December 2006 and will last until October 2008. As with any of the slow outer planets transits, the first stages of the period feels more intense and stressing, and, as the energy evolves, we start to assimilate the change, and to grow within the lesson. From your writing, i gather that you are entering the acceptance phase, which is the one that will allow you to work with the transit, instead of resisting it.

Pluto square the Ascendant is about relationships, especially close ones, especially the one with your partner. Many invisible patterns might come into the surface during this transit. The unseen and the unsaid come out. Conflicts, wounds, power trips, control needs, irrational behavior, hidden desires, fears, possessiveness, feelings of weakness, guilt, repression, manipulations, jealousy, all these might be part of the picture. These are heavy to handle energies, and as you can see, they are strongly connected with the unconscious world. It seems to me that a lot of clearing is happening in your relationship, and as i said before, the key to Pluto is to allow the change to happen. For this we need to surrender and to let go of anything we might think we needed. The key is not to take our needs for granted, as change and transformation might show us that they were simple defense mechanisms, and limitations to our Soul's growth. Pluto asks us to take care of our Soul's needs, and in order to do this we have to let go of the control we think we might have.

The shadow can be frightening, but what we need to ask is what is hidden there, in the shadows? What is trying to express itself?

My opinion is that we usually will find a wound deeply hidden in our unconscious, a wound that have been neglected and has grown into repressed and distorted presence in our psyche. As a young woman that you are, i strongly suggest you start working on your shadow. You'll find that by being able to cross through this zone of your Self, your will be freeing a lot of creative power, a lot of energy that needs expression. Pluto teaches us that our power is waiting for us right behind the shadows; if not accepted it can be disruptive, if not destructive. It is a journey.

You are soon entering your Saturn Return, an important transit that will bring structure to this process. You are becoming a woman and you are being invited by these teachers to mature, to live behind behaviors that are close to childhood and parental influence, to enter the realm of adulthood. Your natal Saturn is in the twelfth house. It seems to me that you will have the opportunity to dig into some of your past, into your family history, into your early memories to find some clues on what needs to be recognize and release. You already stared.

My take is this is strongly associated to your father. If in some way your father has been absent, or there has been a lack of commitment, or a conflicting relationship, you will be invited to heal this through consciously seen how this early bond (or the lack of it) is influencing your life in the present. Regarding this, there is a very good book that i strongly suggest you read. 'The Wounded Woman (how to heal the relationship father-daughter)', written by Linda Schierse Leonard. She is a Junguian analyst who specializes in the Feminine.

The twelfth house is associated with prenatal information. It is interesting that you are already digging into the past to find some answers connected to what is happening in the present. Prenatal traumas, and, for that matter, all memories that happen before we learn to speak are very difficult to contact and to release. This is not something that we can access through words and rationalization, nor something that can be worked out on a conventional therapy. The healing process needs to happen on the unconscious and body level. Your chart points to a powerful mind, and an immense capacity to understand and assimilate difficult information. You have a very strong Scorpio signature in your chart (Venus, Sun and Uranus in conjunction), and your Pluto is in trine to your Moon. You do not fear the depths. The thing is where to take the swim. From your chart i get a sense that there is an inner struggle between your emotions and your mind, and this reinforces my previous suggestion to you : body work. Here, i add the possibility of you working on some alternative therapies that work with breathing (rebirthing, for example); or therapies where you get in contact with your cellular memory (Ericksonian hipnosis, for example).

Before i close this long reply, i'd like give you my personal answer to these questions: 

How can you follow the call of the wild when you are with one person? Someone you absolutely want to be with?

What first comes to my mind is 'it takes two to tango'. So, yes the wild can be part of a relationship, if shared on the same ground. I personally do not see the wild as only being something that involves other relationships. I believe two persons can share 'the wild'. This has to do with, first, what is our personal definition of 'the wild', and two, limits.

I associate wild with freedom. I honor my wild side by being true to my self and my desires; then i make the necessary choices based on the limits i choose to respect. I might choose a monogamous relationship that puts limits to a more open sexual and love life, but that allows me to experience the deep levels of intimacy that two persons can share. I might then choose to channel my needs of diversity through other expressive channels. I might have a lots of friends, that i do not share with my partner, that give me a sense of freedom and individuality; just to give you an example.

In another context i might need to experience the openness and then change the limits of the relationships. I would then need to take into account my partner's needs and see if they fit with mine, if not then, i am confronted with new choices. The key here, is that relationships are not static, they can move, evolve, grow, change. This is all so relative and personal!

Can you reconcile being true to yourself and being in a relationship? There must be a way!

I have very few duties imposed on myself. I personally move in a mutable existence in which i have learned to honor change, but, i do respect one powerful duty: to be true to myself, no matter what, and ESPECIALLY in my relationships. This questions for me is the chore of the work you are doing with Pluto. If you can't be true to yourself with 'the other', you might need to reconsider the relationship. You might need to voice these questions out, and open the door for change. The being-true-to-oneself process entails taking conscious account of the lies and masks we have accumulated; how we have mold ourselves into being someone else so we are loved and accepted. This is a tricky transaction that has more costs than benefits in the long run. Again, Pluto squaring the ascendant is putting pressure here, as the ascendant rules the role we assume. Take a look at the thread about Pluto crossing the ascendant, and you might get a picture.

I hope this has been helpful, and that you can gather some clues and tools to move on in this new territory. I thank you again for you generous contribution to this space. Your story, is everybody's, and i am sure many persons benefit from this exchange.

Please let us know is any of this rings a bell,

I wish you the best,

Sincerely

Paloma
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I am available for in depth readings by mail and phone; or in person, if you are in Barcelona. I am fluent in french, spanish and english. Contact me at  paloma@planetwaves.net
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